SupplyToy

What the CDC actually says about this age#

Here is the whole line, worth reading twice: “Your child’s growing independence from the family and interest in friends might be obvious by now. Healthy friendships are very important to your child’s development, but peer pressure can become strong during this time. Children who feel good about themselves are more able to resist negative peer pressure and make better choices for themselves.”

Notice what sits next to what. Peer pressure is not listed as a symptom or a warning sign. It sits in the same breath as healthy friendships, as the other half of the same developmental move. The CDC adds: “This is an important time for children to gain a sense of responsibility along with their growing independence.”

And notice where the leverage is. Not in stricter rules, and not in a lecture about needs and wants. The lever the CDC names is how the child feels about himself. A child who likes who he is has something to lose by going along with the group.

The changes underneath the sentence#

The list of changes for this age explains why the car conversation keeps coming back.

• “Start to form stronger, more complex friendships and peer relationships. It becomes more emotionally important to have friends, especially of the same sex.”
• “Experience more peer pressure.”
• “Become more independent from the family.”
• “Begin to see the point of view of others more clearly.”
• “Become more aware of his or her body as puberty approaches. Body image and eating problems sometimes start around this age.”

The same capacity that makes a child care what the group thinks is the capacity that makes a real friend possible. Seeing another person’s point of view is the machinery of friendship, and it does not come with a switch limiting it to people you would have chosen.

The last item is the one to handle carefully. The CDC says body image and eating problems sometimes start around this age. That is not a prediction about your child, and not a reason to watch the dinner plate. It is a reason to keep the conversation open early.

The one lever the CDC hands you is praise#

The most useful sentence on that page is about a change of wording: “Saying ‘you must be proud of yourself’ rather than simply ‘I’m proud of you’ can encourage your child to make good choices when nobody is around to praise her.”

The logic is not sentimental. Praise from a parent requires a parent in the room. At nine, ten and eleven, the room increasingly contains other children instead, and the currency that buys standing there is not your approval. A child trained to look inward for the verdict carries it with him. The CDC made the same argument a stage earlier: “It’s best to focus praise more on what your child does (‘you worked hard to figure this out’) than on traits she can’t change (‘you are smart’).”

So the shift is small. When he resists something, name the choice: you decided that yourself. When she comes home having handled a difficult classmate, ask whether she is pleased with how she handled it, then stop.

Have the rules conversation before you need it#

Rules for this age work differently than rules for a five-year-old, because most of the day happens where you are not.

“Make clear rules and stick to them. Talk with your child about what you expect from her (behavior) when no adults are present. If you provide reasons for rules, it will help her to know what to do in most situations.”

The reasons are the delivery mechanism. A child who knows why a rule exists can generalise it to a situation you never imagined.

Two more CDC suggestions belong in the same conversation: “Help your child develop his own sense of right and wrong. Talk with him about risky things friends may pressure him to do, like smoking or dangerous physical dares,” and “Talk with your child about respecting others… Talk with her about what to do when others are not kind or are disrespectful.”

That second one is the half that gets skipped. We rehearse children for resisting pressure and forget to rehearse them for the moment they are the ones with the power. Two further suggestions do the rest: meet the families of your child’s friends, and encourage him to join a group beyond the class.

Why playing together is the cheapest tool you have#

The AAP’s clinical report on play defines it precisely: play is “an activity that is intrinsically motivated, entails active engagement, and results in joyful discovery.” Three conditions, and every one of them is destroyed by adult supervision and a purchase order.

That matters because play is where the skills the CDC keeps pointing at get rehearsed. The AAP is explicit about the physical version: rough-and-tumble play “enables children to take risks in a relatively safe environment, which fosters the acquisition of skills needed for communication, negotiation, and emotional balance.”

Communication, negotiation, emotional balance. Those are the three things a child needs at eleven when the group decides on something he is not sure about. None can be taught in a lecture. All get practised when two children argue about the rules of a game and then keep playing.

The CDC’s page for 6 to 8-year-olds names the pull directly, and it does not disappear at nine: children of this age “pay more attention to friendships and teamwork” and “want to be liked and accepted by friends.” Wanting to belong is the material you work with, not a defect.

What that looks like in the toy cupboard#

The useful move is to shift the play you provide toward things that require another person and a negotiation.

• Games you win together rather than against each other. A set of cooperative board games for kids removes the winner and the loser, so the group has to agree on a plan instead of on a pecking order.
• Two-player card games, which are portable and impossible to play alone. A deck-based two-player card game fits in a school bag and gives two children something to do that is not a screen.
• Equipment for a sport played in twos. A badminton set for two players needs a partner, which is the point, and it counts toward the activity the CDC recommends: “Children and adolescents 6 to 17 need to be active for at least 60 minutes every day.”
• Books about friendship and feelings, read on the child’s own time. A set of children’s books about friendship and feelings gives a child the words for a situation he cannot raise with you yet.

The AAP’s line about buying belongs above this list: “Research tells us that the best toys need not be flashy or expensive or come with an app. Simple, in this case, really is better.” The CDC’s screen guidance here is no more than 1 to 2 hours per day, and the hours a child is not on a screen are the hours a friendship gets handled in person.

What we would not buy#

• Anything bought because everyone else has one. If the only argument is the class, the argument is not about the object, and the object will not settle it.
• Anything that turns belonging into a purchase. A toy that advertises itself as the way into the group teaches the child the wrong rule about groups.
• Screen substitutes for a social life. A device that converts hanging out into a feed gives the feeling of company without the negotiation.
• Upgrades bought to keep pace. The child who gets the next thing because a friend got one has learned that the pressure works.

The bottom line#

The sentence in the car is not a moral event. The CDC lists peer pressure next to healthy friendships because at this age they arrive together, and what protects a child from one is the strength of the other, along with a fairly sturdy sense of himself.

You cannot pick your child’s friends. You can pick what he plays, how it is played, and who is in the room while it happens. Aim the play at things that need two people and rules they have to agree on, move your praise onto his own judgement rather than your approval, and get to know the other families.

Related reading#

• The wider picture of what this age group actually plays with is in the best toys for 9 to 12-year-olds.
• The earlier version of the same negotiation, inside one house, is covered in sibling play and shared toys.
• For the games that survive a table of mixed ages and moods, see family board games that get played.
• The outdoor side of playing in pairs is set out in outdoor toys for kids 6 to 12.
• And why the pile of abandoned toys is usually a design problem is in why kids abandon toys.